In a Fix
by Hedo
Summary: Captain Jack once told me that he would never have kids. Ah, well. A boy can dream, can't he? Contains MPREG, and probably a helluva lot of it in the future. If that ain't your thing, don't read it.
1. Warning Signs

**The Crow's Nest**

Jack couldn't help but be nervous about that weird old witch. The way she kept grinning at him, muttering under her breath. He was glad to be away from that island. Everyone had an eerie, knowing smile as he walked past them. Creeped him out.

Jack hurriedly draped himself over the ramparts as another wave of nausea threatened to gut him. Jack did his best to tolerate it.

"Captain," came a voice. Gibbs. Jack took a deep breath and slowly turned to Gibbs, feeling rather lightheaded as he did so.

"Yes?" he gasped, taking off his hat and fanning himself.

"Are you all right?" Gibbs asked, looking deeply concerned.

"Wha? Oh, yeah, never been bette..." Jack blurted before he gagged again. "Never been better...just...seasick."

"You don't get seasick, captain. We all know that." Gibbs said. Jack was silent.

"Yes I do. Or at least, now I do." he protested.

"Since when?" Gibbs pressed. Jack flopped onto his back and thought for a moment.

"You remember when we went on that one island, the one with the batty old witch...the...the one with the green hair...?" he began.

"Aye..." Gibbs said, nodding.

"I think she's messed with my sea legs, savvy?" Jack said, grinning. Gibbs was about to say something when Jack's eyes fluttered shut and he slumped on the deck. Gibbs had no choice but to pick up Jack by the armpits and drag him off to the cabin.

"I think she's messed up more than that..." he muttered.

When Jack suddenly rolled out of his bed 3 hours later he slowly pulled himself up, leaning against the wall for support. He felt sick again and clamped his hand on his stomach. Then he noticed something strange. The skin there was softer. Usually, it had a bit of a callus from all the belts that Jack wore...but this seemed downright impossible. Jack suddenly felt euphoric and headed out onto the deck.

"Alright everyone, is there a sign of land anywhere?" he asked, standing at the head of the stairs. Ragetti looked up, popping his wooden eye back in its socket.

"Captain..." Jack turned his head.

"The crew and I have been talking and...we think you should get your situation checked out..." Ragetti said hesitantly. Jack cocked his head in thought.

"As do I...which is why I asked if there was any sign of land..." Jack said, feeling a little snippy. "So answer the question. Is there any sign?"

"Yes." Ragetti said, starting to cower a bit. "But we think it's best to ask the last person you saw before this began..."

"And...?"

"Well, who was it?" Ragetti pressed. Jack's eyes widened as we went deep into thought. It was the witch, and he knew it. Jack swayed at the realization, clutching the railing.

"That batty...batty old...witch..." Jack said as his eyes rolled back and his knees buckled. The crew looked at him, seeing as he had fainted again, and then looked to each other.

"Off we go."


	2. Wasn't Rum at All

**The Crow's Nest**

Jack regained his consciousness, finding himself in a rowboat with Gibbs.

"Oh bugger." he murmured quietly.

"Oh, good, you're awake." Gibbs said cheerfully. "We're off to the witch's house." Jack sat up, frightened, as he heard this.

"No! No! Not good! I don't wanna see her again!" Jack shouted frantically, searching for a way to get off of the rowboat without falling into the apparently rather mucky river. He was trapped by his newfound squeamishness. "Oh bugger." he said again, slumping back on his seat.

"Jack, you're not afraid of her, are you?" Gibbs asked, teasing him. Jack shook his head, insulted.

"I most certainly am not!" he said, crossing his arms around his chest and cocking his head to take on the shape of a picturesque 'brave man'.

"Then act it." Gibbs scoffed. "We're almost there, anyway." Jack bit his lip and relaxed his arms as he heard this. He really didn't want to see that witch again. Not after the way she stared at him as he drank that rum. It was good rum, though, quite strong, seeing as his hangover had lasted for nearly a week. Jack jumped like a startled rabbit when the boat gently bumped against a small pier, and Jack scrambled out, running into the foliage. Gibbs sighed, rolling his eyes, and got up from the boat, tying it in place, and slowly walked in the direction Jack had gone.

Jack was sure he was about to get away when his ankle got caught in a root and his face had an unexpected introduction to the dirt, which Jack spat out, rubbing it off of his face. As if things couldn't get worse for him, he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist and hoist him onto a pair of shoulders. It was Gibbs.

"Let me go!" Jack screeched, flailing his arms and legs like an infuriated child. "I'm your captain and I command that you let me go this instant, Mr. Gibbs! NOW!"

"You're only captain of me when it pertains to our duties, Jack. And this is for your own damn good." Gibbs said calmly. Jack went limp and became submissive.

"I don't like that witch. The way she kept grinning at me while I drank that rum of hers was eerie...that was good rum, though...good, strong rum. Not watered down like at those sleazy taverns..." Jack was starting to ramble.

"What makes you think it was strong rum? Or, god forbid the likelihood, that it was even rum at all?" Gibbs asked.

"In reverse order: I know good rum when I taste it, and I can tell rum from any other drink out there...as for the other question, I've been having this hangover for nearly a week." Jack said with a brutally matter-of-fact tone. Gibbs scoffed.

"I know one of your hangovers when I see 'em, Jack. I've known you forever. This just doesn't seem like a hangover..." Gibbs said mysteriously. Jack gulped. Then gasped anxiously when he felt Gibbs come to a stop (Jack was draped over Gibbs' right shoulder in such a way that he could only see what lay behind the pair of them) and heard the eerily familiar creaking noise of an old door.

"Well hello, Captain Jack Sparrow..." a dry and slightly sinister voice crooned. Jack gulped again and slowly rolled over in Gibbs' grasp, finding no relief in what he saw. The witch was a tall, skeleton-like woman with papery skin and bony fingers, precisely as any witch would look. What was unnerving was the way she dressed, which was tattered elegance, whereas most witches would settle for filthy and ugly rags. "...it's so good to see you again..." she said, with no break in the scary tone of her voice. Jack was absolutely shivering, a jingling, rattling, cowardly nervous wreck.

"It's...lovely to see you again too..." he lied, stammering heavily(1).

"How are the two of you?" she asked. Jack leaned heavily on Gibbs for support. This woman scared him to distraction.

"Me, not so good, but old Gibbs here is-" Jack squeaked before the witch interrupted him.

"Not him. You and the other one." she hissed. Jack looked around, quivering.

"But Gibbs and I are the only ones here besides you...you live...all...alone..." Jack stammered. That irritating, knowing smile crept across the witch's lips.

"Come inside." she said, gesturing for the two of them to come in. Jack turned on his heel and tried to make a break for it, but Gibbs, getting used to this behavior quite quickly, had grabbed one of Jack's overly numerous belts. Jack sighed and slowly stepped inside.

The interior of this house was eccentric enough to rival that of Jack's friend, Tia Dama, who was also a witch of sorts. Bones littered the floor and beetles had apparently built an empire on the kitchen table.

"I don't believe I ever caught your name." Jack said, starting to gain courage as the mere exposure effect(2) kicked in. The witch turned her head, flicking her algae-green hair out of her eyes.

"Miranda." she hissed, sweeping the beetles off the table with her bare hand. "Sit down."

"Yes'm." Jack said, obeying. He knew this witch well, in spite of not having known her name for so long, and he knew well that to make her become cross could be potentially fatal. Gibbs hesitated.

"SIT DOWN!" Miranda shrieked. Gibbs practically threw himself into the chair at the command. Miranda lifted her bony, long-fingered hand, and gently lifted her hair out of her eyes, her mood having suddenly changed. Jack gulped as her mad, vampiric eyes in that piercing shade of blue fixed on him. "So...Jack..." she whispered gently, a motherly tone starting to creep into her voice. "...how are you feeling? Be honest, be brutal, I need to know if it worked."

"To be perfectly honest with you, ma'am, I'm downright terrified..." Jack gasped, Miranda's eyes starting to make him feel cold. Miranda looked away, and Jack sighed with relief.

"How about now?" she asked, her voice getting ever more caring and sweet. Jack didn't mind her when she was like this.

"Relieved." Jack said calmly.

"Now, in terms of your physical self, how are you feeling?" Miranda pressed, picking up a dagger and fiddling with it in a way that made Jack want to scream bloody murder.

"Ill." Jack said, unable to get much more than a single word out at a time. "Miranda..." he began. Miranda looked up from the dagger and the little holes in her fingertips.

"Yes, Jack, dear?" she acknowledged, cocking her head.

"Please...put...put down the knife...it's...making me...uncomfortable..." Jack said, twitching his hand in the direction of the table (upon which the beetles were starting to crawl again). Miranda stabbed it into the wood of the table with the calm collection of a prudish and stereotypical psychopath. Jack gagged as the bodily fluids of an unlucky beetle seeped onto the table.

"As we were saying...what _kind_ of ill, Jack?" she said, prompting for everyone to get back to their conversation. Gibbs had long since been fiddling with the canteen in his hand.

"I've had a hangover for the past week and a half. I've had bad hangovers before, and this is no exception. I'm not worried. But old Gibbs here had to drag me to see you again cause he says he knows one of my hangovers when he sees it, and that this is different." Jack explained, resting his feet on the table. The movement made him feel slightly dizzy but otherwise was not problematic for him. Miranda thought about this, sweeping a few more pesky beetles off of the table as she did so.

"He has every reason to worry." Miranda said, pulling herself out of her chair and going into the other room. The sound of a few pots, bottles, plates, and goodness knows what else being rummaged through could be heard. "When was the last time you had any rum, Jack?"

"When I was here last, of course! I haven't needed to drink any ever since then, I feel far too tipsy...that was right good stuff you had." Jack said, grinning. The rummaging sound suddenly stopped. Not a good sign.

"I don't keep rum in my home." Miranda said, a hint of concern beginning to take control of her voice.

"'Course you do, I know rum when I taste it!" Jack protested. Miranda appeared in the doorway, hanging from the side of the frame.

"I don't keep rum in my home. I don't drink rum. I drink tonics of my own making. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't work." she explained, trying to get her point across.

"Is that why your hair's green, by any chance, girl?" Gibbs asked. Miranda shot him a warning look.

"Yes." She hissed. She turned back to Jack. "I don't drink rum, and I don't keep any in my home."

"But that was rum, I know it, I know rum when I taste it!" Jack insisted, sliding his feet off of the table and starting to flail his arms.

"That wasn't rum, Jack. That was a tonic." Miranda said, deciding that she wanted to be in this room and sitting down again.

"But it tasted like rum! It was unmistakable!" Jack shouted, getting scared.

"It was a tonic. And it was a fertility tonic." Miranda said, trying to calm Jack down.

"I don't see how that explains my condition!" Jack snarled, getting up. Miranda signaled that he should sit down again.

"Jack, please, calm down. You're having a sudden change in moods. It's normal. Sit down." she said quietly, getting up and grabbing Jack by the shoulders, then gently forcing him back into the chair. "Stay seated." she added, trying to calm Jack. After Jack had calmed down and closed his eyes, he opened them, about to ask a question:

"So what is wrong with me?"

"You're with child, Jack." Miranda said calmly, a bit of a grin flickering across her face.

"No I'm not." Jack said, looking up at her. The expression on his face made it seem more like a question.

"Yes, you are." Miranda verified, slowly backing away in case Jack had another mood swing.

"No I'm not!" Jack sobbed. Gibbs rolled his eyes.

"Jack, we just addressed the issue. The second step is facing facts. You are expecting a child. No two ways about it." Miranda insisted, still amazingly calm about all of this. Gibbs was beginning to question the sanity of everyone present, including himself.

"No, no, I'm not, I can't, there's no way it's possible..." Jack protested, tears starting to brim at his eyes.

"I just told you how...you drank that tonic, and it worked..." Miranda explained, putting her arm around Jack to try and comfort him. Jack curled up into an unreceptive ball at the human contact.

"You took advantage of my love for rum!" Jack snarled at her. Miranda jerked her arm away, as if Jack might bite her. In the mood he was in, he very well could.

"No, Jack, I didn't. You helped yourself to it and I tried to stop you but by the time I opened my mouth to speak, you'd downed the whole thing!" Miranda explained to him, edging away again. Jack lifted his head.

"Are you serious?" he asked. Miranda nodded and Jack groaned at his stupidity, uncurling at last. Gibbs, disturbed, was standing just inside the door to outside. Miranda and Jack were basically ignoring him, and Gibbs was glad to have an easy escape. He gingerly opened the door and stepped out.

"Jack, what you've gotten yourself into is difficult and could very well be dangerous..." Miranda said. Jack rubbed away the remainders of his bad mood off of his face.

"I don't care." he said. "This may very well be quite interesting."

"I think you should get back to your ship. Don't tell the crew anything unless you absolutely must. And if your good old friend Gibbs seems like he's going to tell anyone, slit his throat if need be." Miranda said, listing her recommendations to Jack. Jack nodded, listening intently.

"Anything else?" he asked. As he said this, he noticed a little spark in Miranda's eye.

"Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to be a pirate." she said. Jack realized what she was getting at.

"Well, you'd be a good pirate, I suppose...you can work on the ship on _one _condition." Jack said, thinking hard.

"And that would be..."

"Get a better dress for seafaring. Men's clothes wouldn't flatter you at all, it should be a dress or nothing..." Jack paused at the grin this thought had triggered from Miranda. "I mean, you should wear a shift-like dress...of thick and sturdy fabric, savvy?"

"Aye." Miranda said, giggling at her use of pirate jargon. "You know, I'm not as old as you think." she added irrelevantly. Jack seemed confused. "Never mind." she said, shaking her head a little bit and heading into the other room to find a dress that fit Jack's description. Jack slumped his head on the table and sighed, ignoring the beetles that were starting to crawl all over him. This went on for 5 minutes (during which Jack had gotten annoyed by the beetles crawling on him and had started to brush them away) and Miranda reemerged, dressed to kill. Literally. She fiddled with the pistol in her hand and tucked it back into her belt.

"Off we go." she said, grinning and brushing a few beetles off of Jack.

(1)So much so that I couldn't stand to write it all out.

(2)The "Mere Exposure Effect" is a neurological thing, which, in a nutshell, causes people to feel more comfortable in a familiar environment, regardless of what's in it.


	3. Confession Time

**The Crow's Nest**

Jack, Gibbs, and Miranda finally made their way back to the ship, and Miranda's appearance had shocked nearly everyone. But there was no time to dawdle, because Jack was desperate to get back to business.

Miranda had somehow taken a liking to the crow's nest, and would spend most of her day there unless Jack needed her. The strange part was, he never needed to call for her. She'd clamber down as soon as the need for her arose. It was almost like she was psychic.

"I am." she said to Jack one day as he asked her about this.

They'd been sailing for nearly 3 and a half months now, and Jack felt like his old self again. Minus the rum, of course. He missed it, but he knew he was better off without it. Miranda, by this time, had stopped going up to the crow's nest altogether, explaining that she needed to keep an eye on Jack more often at this point. The crew was getting a bit suspicious at Jack's sudden changes, but Jack insisted that it was nothing.

"Jack..."

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you wearing your belts?"

"Belts?"

"Yes, the ones you always wear around your waist, Jack."

"Didn't need 'em."

"Well it's not like you need your bandanna, or all those beads in your hair."

"...um...the belts weren't working out for me...they were suppressing my...flair..."

Jack had noticed that he was needing to wear his clothes looser and looser. This concerned him, because soon the whole crew would find out about this. Jack tried to brush the concern away as he loosened his sash by a few inches. Then there was a knock on the door. Jack quickly flopped onto his back.

"Come in."

Pintel and Ragetti poked their heads into Jack's cabin and stepped in, followed by another crew member. And another.

"Um...let's take this out onto the deck..." Jack suggested, getting up with some difficulty and strolling out. The rest of the crew followed him until he stepped up to the wheel. "So..." he said, clapping his hands. "What's all this about?"

"We're wondering what's up with you!" shouted a crew member.

"You're being so secretive!" said another.

"And you seem like you're weighed down!" Ragetti piped up.

"He _is_ weighed down, you idiot!" Pintel scolded, smacking his imprudent friend over the head. Jack frowned with concern at the bedlam starting to form down on deck.

"Everyone...this is against Miranda's advice but-"

"Don't tell them!" Miranda shouted at him, running up the stairs. The members of the crew looked to one another in curiosity. Now they had to know.

"Now, Miranda, darling," Jack said quietly, resting his hand on Miranda's shoulder "I know you're only looking out for me, but the crew is just as concerned about my health as you are..."

"We heard that, and we don't give a damn about your health, Jack! We just want to know what's going on!" Will said, stepping from the crowd. Jack shook his head in slight disbelief. Will, by all means, shouldn't have been on the ship. He was supposed to be off raising his children with Elizabeth. Then Elizabeth stepped forward. Jack was shocked now, and felt his knees getting a bit weak. Miranda held him up and Jack mumbled his thanks.

"I don't hire eunuchs, mate." Jack said to Will, folding his hands. Will scoffed at the age-old joke.

"Just for the record, I'm tiring of that." Will said. Jack raises his eyebrows and grinned.

"I never tire of it." he laughed. Elizabeth shoved Will out of the way (in the fashion that lovers do, so Will wasn't harmed) and stepped up the stairs and held her face so that it was hardly an inch away from Jack's.

"Will is not a eunuch, Jack, and I of all people should know." she snarled. Jack leaned back slightly and "ooh"ed in amusement, and the crew joined in. Elizabeth shot a warning glance at them, and they stopped. Will couldn't help but feel a bit embarrassed by Elizabeth's thoughtless statement, but he was glad that she stood up for him. Elizabeth then turned back to Jack.

"I think the crew wants to know what's going on. Myself included. So if you would mind telling us..." she asked. Jack looked to Miranda with a bit of helplessness, and Miranda rolled her eyes as if to say "go ahead and tell them." Jack pushed past Elizabeth and leaned against the railing.

"I'm in a fix." Jack said. Will looked confused.

"What?" he asked, cocking his head. Elizabeth and a large portion of the crew showed similar actions.

"In a fix! Preggers! Making biscuits! Up the duff! In the family way! Drank from the water well!" Jack shouted, waving his arms in Will's face.

"Drank from the water well?" Will asked, questioning the legitimacy of the phrase.

"Well, actually, technically speaking it was a little bottle of tonic..." Jack mumbled. Jack was starting to regret his confession, because that same large portion of the crew that was confused had promptly burst into laughter. "Oh shut up, you scurvy-ridden, flea-bitten cads!" Jack screamed at them. They all quieted, afraid of what punishment they would get for laughing at their captain. Elizabeth hadn't laughed the entire time. Instead, she put her arm around Jack.

"If you need to know anything, you can ask me..." she whispered to him. Jack felt deeply relieved to have an experienced person there. But wait...

"But...Elizabeth...I've not seen any children on this ship...how do I know you've got any experience at all?" Jack asked. Elizabeth sighed deeply at a painful memory.

"They died shortly after...from an infection..." she said quietly. Jack staggered slightly when she said this.

"I'm...sorry..." he stammered. "If there was anything I could have done, I probably would have." Elizabeth flashed a sad smile, then decided it would be best to change the mood.

"Come with me, we'll talk." she whispered. Then she turned and started walking away, towards the other end of the ship. The crew was starting to follow Jack, but then Jack slowly turned.

"This is between myself and Elizabeth!" He said warningly. "But the eunuch can join in the conversation if he so chooses." He flashed a grin, his joke still alive and well.

"Jack, what did you mean by a little bottle of tonic?" Elizabeth wondered aloud. Jack, who had been fiddling with his sash and trying to get it to fit snugly but comfortably loose at the same time, looked up to answer the question.

"I was at Miranda's house...shack, rather, one night, had to stay and rest because we were having a bit of a hard time dragging our latest winnings off to the ship. I helped myself to a little bottle of what I _thought_ was rum...but after a week of what I kept insisting was a hangover, Gibbs dragged me off to her shack again and I learn that it's a fertility tonic, so it turns out that that 'hangover' was a much weightier situation than I had first thought..."

"I see...how...how long has it been, at this point in time?" Elizabeth then asked. Jack took off his hat and leaned back on the ramparts, thinking.

"'Bout 4, 5...5 and a half months, luv." Jack finally said, straightening out and putting his hat back on. Elizabeth then had the mother of all questions(1).

"Jack, have you ever considered how that child is getting out of you?" Jack nearly lost his footing at this question. That thought had never occurred to him before, and now that it had, it terrified him.

"I don't know, luv...hopefully it'll be less painful than the...'traditional way'..." Jack rambled. Elizabeth looked a tad offended, having gone through labor twice in her life with nothing to show for it.

"I think it should be a bleeding, screaming hell for you, Jack...who knows? Maybe the law will go easy on you, knowing you've experienced such horrible pain...it'll be like paying for your sins right here on earth. Trust me." she said, crossing her arms. Jack didn't like the idea. Not one bit.

"I don't like the idea of that. Not one bit." he said timidly. "And besides, I'm not built for this...or, at least, I think I'm not..."

"You're not." Elizabeth confirmed. "But you _have _to consider that, you know. It's the whole reason you're in such a state, anyway!" Jack was not enjoying this conversation anymore. Luckily for the both of them, Will decided he'd join in.

"It's easy to see what we should do." Will said, appearing from behind a pile of crates. "We'll take a knife and cut it out of Jack." Maybe Jack wasn't lucky that Will showed up after all. He wasn't liking a single suggestion made here.

"Maybe we could think of a more...reasonable method than POTENTIALLY KILLING ME!" Jack suggested, turning to Will when he had begun to shout.

"I don't see you coming up with any..." Will retorted. Jack sighed and slid into a sitting position.

"I'm going to die again...I just know it..." Jack said sadly; he started to cry. Elizabeth kneeled down and put her arm around Jack.

"Shh..no you're not...the world hasn't done anything horrible enough to deserve your loss..." she said, trying to comfort him. "You'll be all right, we'll all think of a way to make it work...but we ought not dwell on it...or, at least, you ought not dwell on it...focus on what you have to do in the here and now, not what awaits you..."

"I can't help it...like you said, it's the whole reason I'm in this state anyway..." Jack mumbled, resting his head on Elizabeth's shoulder. Elizabeth, with a motherly instinct, ran her hand across Jack's forehead, lulling him to sleep. Will looked on with confusion but couldn't help but smile with the knowledge that when he and Elizabeth had their first surviving child, Elizabeth would be a good mother. Jack was in a bit of a daze at this point, his hands folded across his stomach.

"Don't worry, Jack...there's no need to worry...you'll be fine, you'll be better than fine, you'll be in wonderful condition...you simply have to learn to relax..." Elizabeth murmured quietly to Jack, gently changing the point of support from his head on her shoulder to his upper torso on her lap.

"I am relaxed..." Jack said, grinning. "Relaxed and quite happy..." Will couldn't help but roll his eyes and feel a bit jealous, and sat down on a crate.

"Why are you happy?" Elizabeth asked Jack, casually quizzing him.

"Because the stars tonight are lovely..." Jack said. Okay, so it was a bit different from the answer she was looking for, but it wasn't the wrong one. At least Jack wasn't completely hysterical(2) anymore. "I could sleep right here on the deck..." Jack added. Will raised his eyebrows at the rather delayed nature of that statement.

"I think it would be better on your back if you slept in your own bed..." Elizabeth suggested quietly, gently forcing Jack out of her lap and getting up, then helping him into a standing position. Jack nodded in thanks, running his hand across the bump in his stomach.

"Well...off I go...to...bed..." Jack said in a slightly confused tone. "I'm sleepy..." he finished, turning to go. As he flopped onto his bed and sank into the mattress, he couldn't help but feel a sense of pleased anticipation. Again, he rested his hands on his slightly swollen stomach and sighed deeply. This time, a happy sigh.

(1)Yes, I know, bad potential pun, I'm sorry! hides

(2) Literally. "Hysterical", technically speaking, would have to do with a more feminine form of panic or frantic feelings.


	4. Horse Latitudes

Jack knew that this was going to end one way or another. There was no doubt about that. Jack tried not to worry, but he knew that since with each second his time would be creeping ever nearer, he had to stop and face it somehow. To make matters worse, they suddenly found themselves stuck in the Horse Latitudes(1), where a ship could hardly move due to lack of wind.

Jack suggested that they row their way into a wind, which the crew had been doing for the past day or so, working in shifts. Those that weren't busy rowing (such as Will and Elizabeth, who were granted freedom from the task) usually ended up discussing Jack's birth plan, sometimes against their will. One such conversation triggered rather strange suggestions, as well as ones that Jack had heard before.

"So far, all we've thought of are hoping it goes the 'traditional way' and cutting the child out of me...and to be honest, I don't like either one." Jack began, sitting at the table and biting into an apple. "Does anyone have a suggestion as to what we could possibly do?" Gibbs timidly raised his hand.

"Well...we could let you drink a whole bunch of rum and try the second option...you wouldn't feel the pain until you woke up..." he suggested.

"But I don't want to feel the pain. That's the problem." Jack said. Elizabeth looked a little annoyed.

"Women have been tolerating the pain for several years, Jack, you could earn yourself a lot of respect by reciprocating!" she grumbled. Jack cast a glance at her.

"It's not what nature wants of me, luv..." Jack explained, wanting nothing more than to reach a suitable conclusion. He took a bite of his apple at another hunger pang.

"Explain your condition, then, Jack." Elizabeth said slyly. Jack rolled his eyes and sighed.

"I told you, I drank that potion and now I'm in this state! It's not my fault...or, at least, not entirely..." Jack said, getting back to his apple. "Any suggestions?" he asked again. Will raised his hand.

"If nature didn't give you the means, what if we did?" he suggested. Jack looked confused and disturbed.

"I don't wanna become a eunuch like yourself, if that's what you mean." Jack said defensively.

"That's not what I mean at all...Just...what if..."

"I have a suggestion." Miranda said. "And since I'm basically the one that got Jack into this mess, I'm the one with the strongest obligation to get him out of it.

"And your suggestion is?" Jack prompted.

"Let it work itself out." Miranda said calmly. Everyone turned to her, confused.

"Miranda, might I remind you, I'm not built for that..." Jack said with a hint of irritation.

"The tonic you drank will take care of everything...it's smooth sailing..." Miranda explained. Jack sighed.

"Ironically, we're stuck in the Horse Latitudes..." he said.

Jack couldn't sleep. This was seriously annoying. True, they had finally gotten hold of a strong wind, but Jack knew they were still so far from land, and Jack wanted nothing more than to settle down on a reliable, steady surface when his time came. He tried to roll over but couldn't, and groaned in defeat and discomfort. Then he felt a kick. He was getting used to this, and it didn't surprise him anymore, but he was beginning to find it annoying. Jack sighed deeply and stared at the ceiling.

"Two more months..." he thought aloud.

(1) The Horse Latitudes are a group of "patches" on the surface of the world where global winds are practically absent. They got their name from the fact that, since there is no wind, ships that end up in these places will usually be stranded in the middle of the ocean; one such notable ship (and crew) got stuck in this place for quite a while and eventually ran out of food for their horses, leading them to throw the animals overboard.


	5. By All Means

At the first sight of land Jack rushed onto the deck, ignoring the horrible ache in his ankles, and looked out on the water. He smiled at the relief of finally finding a place to settle down for a while, which was spoiled slightly by the realization that it was the very island he was marooned on. Twice.

"Ah...well...beggars can't be choosers..." he said, sitting down. "Argh...my back..." he mumbled. Elizabeth looked deeply concerned, remembering when she herself had reached this stage. It was an infuriating point, with the constant need to pace but the total inability to do so. That, and Jack seemed hell-bent on finding a place to settle down, which was driving everyone else insane. The most worrisome part of it all was that Jack's perceived need was so strong that he was settling for an island that he hated, as well as one they couldn't possibly spend 2 more months on.

"Jack...I think you should find a better place to do this..." Elizabeth said, crouching to meet Jack's eye level. Jack sighed with discomfort before answering.

"Hear me out, luv, I'm getting desperate...my time's getting close, and unlike you did, I don't have a place I can just go to settle down for when the time comes..." Jack said. He sighed again. "I'm going crazy here, luv...I need to settle down, the child needs to settle down...and...I just need to be able to find a place where I can feel...safe...and calm..."

"Why not Tortuga, it's close to here, isn't it?" Elizabeth asked, lifting Jack's chin to force him into making eye contact. Jack always looked a bit sleepy because of the khol stains around his eyes, but the dark circles went much farther than that.

"I can understand what you mean...many a mother has done their task in one of the hotels or taverns...it's a town where you notice everything and nothing...it's..." Jack hoisted himself up at this point. "We're changing course a bit, head for Tortuga!"

Surprisingly, it took them nearly 3 weeks to find Tortuga, partly because of a bad storm that they suddenly met up with. Jack was getting a bit hysterical again, but at the first sign of land his hysteria gave way to euphoria.

Jack knew his way around Tortuga well, as well as everything about it and every citizen in it. 2 of them being past 'acquaintances', Scarlett and Giselle, and they always seemed to find him.

As Jack, Elizabeth, Will, Gibbs, Miranda, and Mr. Cotton made their way through the streets (drawing minimal glances of confusion from some people), Jack met up with them again.

"Hello, dears..." he said, grinning sheepishly. Scarlett raised her hand to slap him when Jack interrupted her with a strange statement.

"You wouldn't hit an expectant mother, would you?" Scarlett's arm relaxed and her hand fell to her side.

"Of course not, but I don't see how that's relevant." she said, cocking her head in a somewhat snobby way.

"I've joined the masses..." Jack said. Will smacked his forehead, Elizabeth rolled her eyes, Gibbs did a spit-take into his canteen, Miranda cast a glance at Mr. Cotton and Mr. Cotton...didn't say anything. Scarlett raised her eyebrow.

"You're joking." she said.

"Nope." Jack laughed, nudging her aside and continuing on his merry way, with the rest of his party following him.

"Where to go...where to go..." Jack mumbled to himself, looking around. "Somewhere fairly clean, but chaotic enough in the surrounding places that no one will pay us any mind..."

"Best place I can think of is the tavern." Will said. Surprisingly, Jack seemed to find this to be an excellent idea.

"Wonderful, Will, you're genius!" Jack said happily, pulling Will into a hug. Will felt awkward, to say the least. Finally, Jack released him and turned right. "Oh, and Mr. Cotton, I want you to go back to the rest of the crew and tell them that...oh, who am I kidding? Gibbs, I want you to go back to the ship, take Mr. Cotton with you, and tell the rest of the crew that I'm staying on land until this is over...savvy?"

"Aye, captain..." Gibbs said, turning to go.

"Tell them I'll be back in a matter of weeks, keep them occupied, and for the love of God, don't touch my bloody rum!" Jack added.

"Whatever you say." Gibbs shouted back. Jack turned to the people who had stayed with him.

"Alright...so..." Jack paused and winced suddenly. "...my ankles are killing me...anyway...let's just get in that tavern, get our room, and just try to relax..."

"Aye, aye, captain." Miranda said, giggling. She still had so much to learn about piracy.

"Miranda, please don't use pirate jargon, I beg of you. You just don't do it justice." Jack said, opening the door to the tavern and stepping in, keeping fairly close to the wall. Miranda quickly nodded to indicate that she would handle this, and walked up to the bar. She spoke with one of the barmaids for a moment, and then came back with a key.

"Follow me..." she said, heading for the stairs.

As they opened the door, Jack was delighted at how clean it was, and happily flopped on the largest bed, sighing happily.

"Any second now, and I get to do my job in this luxury..." Jack said, closing his eyes and inhaling the smell of fresh hay. Elizabeth and Will settled on one of the smaller beds and Miranda happily took the rejected one, which was apparently better than anything she had slept on during her life of witchcraft.

Later that week, in the early hours of the morning, Elizabeth was awakened by a muffled groan and looked around her. In the minimal light of the morning, she could see that Will and Miranda were still asleep. Then she looked over at Jack. Jack was clenching and unclenching his fists and breathing heavily, and the realization hit Elizabeth like a brick. Jack had gone into labor.

"Miranda, Will, wake up!" she shouted, reaching quickly for a box of matches and lighting a candle. Will blinked sleepily, wondering what this was all about, but Miranda quickly jumped up and started looking for something on her belt, eventually finding a knife. Elizabeth was sitting next to Jack, trying to calm him, and Miranda gestured for her to continue doing so. Miranda took the knife and tightened her grip on it, then slowly lowered it to Jack's skin, making a small but deep cut in a patch of blank skin. Jack gasped, but regained his composure and sighed deeply.

"You said it was smooth sailing..." Jack said to Miranda irritatedly. "I thought that meant no intervention was needed..."

"Well, like you said, nature didn't build you for this, so I had to make an exit wound..." Miranda explained, wiping Jack's blood off of the knife and putting it away.

"I don't feel comfortable with the idea of staying to watch...c'mon, Elizabeth..." Will said, realizing what was going on. Elizabeth didn't even turn away from Jack to answer him.

"I'm staying here, Will; Jack needs my help. I don't want him to feel alone while he's in this pain. Not like I did." Elizabeth said. When she said the last sentence, there was a sense of anger in her voice. "At least go make yourself useful by informing the crew that Jack's giving birth..." she added. Will nodded, remembering what she meant by "Not like I did." and feeling deep regret about it, then put on his coat and ran out. Elizabeth took Jack's hand in her own and started rubbing it, trying to help Jack calm down again.

"I always told you he was a weakling, luv...but you didn't listen to me, did you?" Jack chuckled. His laugh was broken by a sharp intake of breath as another contraction demanded some of his energy. "I see what you mean by a bloody, painful hell now..." he said.

"Oh, if you think this is bad...just wait until they get stronger..." Elizabeth said ominously.

"Don't scare him!" Miranda scolded her, then leaned in to whisper something: "If you do that he could go into distress, and that would be very dangerous to everyone involved." Elizabeth nodded understandingly and went back to calming Jack. Then the door opened. Will was back.

"I decided to make myself useful in another way..." Will said, throwing a bunch of rags into Elizabeth's lap and setting down a bucket of water. "It just didn't feel right to do nothing but go inform the others that Jack was..." he paused as Jack interrupted with a cry of pain and frustration "...in labor...do you need anything, any of you?"

"Rum!" Jack shouted. "Rum, bloody hell, I need some rum! That's the only thing that'll numb this pain!" Tears were beginning to come out of Jack's eyes, and Elizabeth took even more pity on him.

"Oh, poor Jack..." she said. "Will, I suggest you get that rum..." Will stood there, confused. "Go!" Will ran back downstairs and Jack groaned again.

"I don't know how you women stand it..." Jack whimpered.

"Don't feel bad...we don't stand it...we break down just like you are...but it all turns out fine in the end..." Elizabeth said, giving Jack's hand a quick squeeze. Jack didn't seem to be listening clearly. "You'll be okay, Jack...Miranda and I are going to be here the whole time, and Will's going to fetch whatever you need..." Elizabeth reached out with her free hand and slipped off Jack's bandanna, setting it on the table. Will finally opened the door again.

"I bought the strongest stuff I could..." he said, giving the rum in his hand to Elizabeth, who helped Jack drink some of it. Jack fell back onto the pillow, relieved somewhat, and everyone was sure that everything would go smoothly. Until...

"I don't think he should be bleeding this heavily..." Miranda said quietly. Jack lifted his head for a moment but another contraction led him to lay back out, panting.

"By...all means...I shouldn't...even be..." Jack stopped talking and groaned in pain again. "...in this situation..."

"True..." Miranda said, thinking. "I can't think of how to handle this...I need the wound open so that you can do your job...but I can't let you keep bleeding like this...I don't think your water's broken, Jack." she added. Jack lifted his head again.

"Is that bad?" he asked, terrified.

"Usually...but it's only been an hour...and it doesn't always come first..." Miranda said, calmly. "We'll simply have to wait and see..."

"I can't wait..." Jack said, pained. "...I can't wait for all this to be overrrrrrr..." Jack's sentence turned into another shout of agony. "...especially if I have to sit through all this pain..." he finished.

"Ah, good, now I see it..." Miranda said, pleased at something that had just happened.

"See what?" Elizabeth asked. She was getting as excited as Jack was, and she was beginning to pity him so much that she was feeling some stomach spasms herself.

"Took a while...but..." Miranda began.

"Is it almost over?" Elizabeth asked excitedly.

"Nowhere near there, luv..." Jack whimpered. "...it's still in me...it's just that my water finally broke..."

"Well it's a step forward, nonetheless." Elizabeth said. Will coughed, nervous again.

"Is there any way I can make myself useful?" he asked. There was silence with the exception of Jack gasping for breath at a particularly painful contraction.

"Besides maybe killing me...I don't see anything you can do..." Jack said weakly. "I don't think I can go on..."

"Don't think that, Jack...it's this kind of thinking that killed my babies!" Elizabeth protested, rubbing Jack's hand furiously. This got Jack's attention. He didn't want his child to die. Not after he put up with all this. He felt like he had no control over the situation, but for the moment, he was fine with that.

"Then I'll just sit back and let things handle themselves..." Jack said, calming down.

After several hours of this ordeal, Jack had finally reached the final step, and he was beginning to realize just how insane this whole situation was.

"This is insane...I shouldn't be here...I shouldn't be lying in a tavern, in labor...I'm Captain Jack Sparrow..." he said miserably.

"Jack...I keep telling you, it's self doubt that's gonna hurt all of us here..." Elizabeth warned him. Jack was in hell, and he made no attempt at hiding it. Will had long since left.

"Wonderful news, Jack...it's almost over..." Miranda piped up.

"That is wonderful..." Jack said, sighing with relief.

"You just have to push, and it's over..." Miranda added. Jack seemed a bit shocked. Elizabeth couldn't bear to look. "Go on...". Jack took a deep breath and...

Elizabeth had started standing in the corner, unable to bring herself to look. This brought up painful memories of her own children, who hadn't survived this part of the process. Jack was in hell, straining to bring his child into the world, and Elizabeth could only bear to cast quick glances to assure herself that Jack was okay. She knew she loved him, and seeing him in this pain made her deeply regret what she did to Jack 4 years ago. Jack was beginning to give up again, in spite of the cries of protest coming from Miranda.

"Jack..." Elizabeth said, forcing herself to take in the entire scene "...even if you don't survive this, at least know your child will be taken care of...Will and I can raise him. Don't be selfish with your energy, Jack...use it all up if need be..." Jack listened to her, struggling to focus, but he seemed to get the idea. He took another deep breath and pushed, which relieved Elizabeth and Miranda.

"It's almost over, Jack, you're doing well..." Miranda said, rubbing her hands together with anticipation. Jack seemed to be ignoring her, focusing only on the task at hand. Elizabeth looked away again. If Jack had been in hell before, he'd gone to the next circle. His shouts were getting to be a bit much to bear, even for Elizabeth, who had been in this situation for herself and completely understood what Jack was going through. Jack was only focused on two things: his pain and the task at hand, and nothing else was important enough. Jack was absolutely screaming now, and Miranda focused intently on her job.

"They always scream loudest when it's almost over..." Miranda said quietly, hardly audible over Jack's pained interjections. Elizabeth nodded, and Jack continued to struggle, still screaming, for a moment. Then he went quiet with a sigh of relief. Elizabeth turned around. Jack was totally relaxed now, catching his breath again, and Miranda was wiping blood off of something. Elizabeth gagged. New life isn't quite so miraculous as one would think. Elizabeth sat back down next to Jack and held his hand again.

"You're a good man, Jack..." she said quietly. Jack laughed weakly.

"In what way?" he asked, slyly pointing out that Elizabeth would frequently get on his case about how amoral and filthy he was.

"In every way..." Elizabeth said. Jack laughed and then turned his attention to Miranda.

"It's a boy, Jack...now, how about a name?" she asked. Jack thought for a moment.

"Johnny...Johnny Chickadee, I suppose..." he said quietly. "May I see him?"

"Yes..." Miranda said, handing Johnny to Jack.

"This is strange...but pleasant..." Jack muttered to himself and his son. Elizabeth couldn't help but feel jealous, but decided she'd try her hand at some poetry.

"Captain Jack Sparrow, and little Johnny Chickadee, the best and biggest pirate legacy..." Jack looked up from his newborn son.

"That was beautiful, Elizabeth..."


	6. Decisions and Discoveries

Jack had opened his eyes a mere 6 hours after his painful ordeal to find Miranda holding a burning candle to his skin, cauterizing the wound.

"What the hell are you doing? Aren't you going to close the wound?" he asked, deeply confused.

"No...because my instincts tell me you'll be wanting another child soon enough..." Miranda giggled after she said this. "your baby is beautiful, Jack..." Jack smiled to himself at this. "but..."

"But what?" Jack asked. This concerned him and he was about to get up, but Miranda stuck out a hand and forced him to stay down.

"I'm not done yet, Jack. You can't keep Johnny...a ship is no place to be raising a child and you know it..."

"Who says I'm raising Johnny on a ship?" Jack wondered.

"Why do you lie to yourself? You know you're not giving up piracy, even for your own son." Miranda said, picking wax off of Jack's skin, which had gone numb. Jack flopped back on his cushions and thought about this. It was true. Painfully so...

Jack was leaning against the ramparts, deep in thought. He had finally healed (for the most part) from that difficult night in Tortuga several weeks ago, but now a difficult decision needed making.

As he had discussed with Miranda, ship is no place for a child. A pirate's life is extremely dangerous and isn't quite so glorious as one would first think. Jack knew this. But what he also knew was that he loved his son dearly. Jack sighed deeply and slumped a bit more.

"What's wrong, Jack?" Elizabeth asked, having seemingly appeared next to him out of nowhere. Jack jumped and staggered a bit, startled. Then he realized what her question was and sighed again.

"I can't raise Johnny...a ship is no place for a child to be living...he wouldn't last long..." he said sadly. Elizabeth thought for a moment.

"What if you gave up piracy?" she wondered. Jack nearly broke his neck slipping from shock at this suggestion.

"I'm sorry, luv, but that's out of the question!" he half-squeaked. Elizabeth exhaled quickly in exasperation, but seeing the look of seriousness on Jack's face made her change her tone.

"Well, then what can you do?" she asked. Jack sank slowly to the deck, curled up in thought.

"Listen, Elizabeth, dear, you and Will have a good life waiting for you on land..." Jack began.

"And this is relevant how?"

"I want you to go back to the life the two of you had, and raise Johnny for me..." Jack finished quietly. "I've already had the crew head for Port Royal...so as soon as we stop there you can get back to your old life with a child in it..."

"You're giving up your own son to continue your life of piracy!" Elizabeth asked, shocked. Jack uncurled and let out a muffled sob. He was trying not to show his feelings to Elizabeth.

"It wasn't easy...It still isn't...but it's probably for the best..." Jack said. "I can't keep Johnny with me...he wouldn't last long. And I just can't have that happening...I promised myself I wouldn't make the mistake my father made, but..." Jack couldn't finish, as he had burst into tears. Elizabeth shifted her weight from foot to foot.

"Jack...Will and I would be more than happy to take care of your son...but if you wanted to visit him, I'm afraid it's out of the question. You remember that you're a pirate and you could get hanged..."

"Not if he's pregnant...it's moral-based law, you know..." Miranda chirped as she slid down the ropes from the crow's nest. Jack's eyes fluttered into hiding behind his lids and he collapsed onto the deck, apparently from shock at the very thought of him bearing another child. Elizabeth looked to Miranda.

"You just had to scare him, didn't you?" she asked. Miranda looked back.

"Yeah, pretty much." she laughed, picking up Jack and gently slapping him. Jack twitched but otherwise didn't move, and so Elizabeth and Miranda had to drag him off to the Captain's quarters.


	7. Amazing, really

Jack woke up again to find Miranda looming over him.

"Don't you ever go away?" he groaned, trying to roll over. He stopped when he realized that she was prodding his stomach. "Stop that..." he grumbled, raising his hand to push her away.

"I'm trying to figure something out..." she hissed. Jack submitted himself to the poking and prodding but tensed up when he heard Miranda gasp.

"Amazing...so soon after the first one...surely you're pleased with the knowledge..." she muttered quietly, half to Jack and half to herself. Jack groaned with irritation.

"Please, don't tell me...don't tell me those things..." he whimpered. The idea of him bearing another child was too much to...well, bear.

"Don't cry, Jack..."

"I'm not crying..."

"Yes, you are."

"No, no I'm not!"

"Touchy..." Miranda muttered to herself.

"It's not my fault!" Jack sobbed.

"Oh, so you're submitting to the truth." Miranda huffed triumphantly. Jack was about to snap at this point.

"I'm not going to have another child!" Jack said. "I won't do it!"

"Shhh, Jack...you handled your first time so beautifully...surely you can handle it again?"

"No...no, I can't...it's something that I would only wish on my worst enemy...I..." Jack closed his eyes as he remembered the joy he felt when he saw Johnny. "...I'll do it. I'll follow through...who knows? Maybe I'll have a daughter that I could name Jill..." Jack smiled. So did Miranda.

"Jill is a lovely name, Jack." she said.


	8. Snack Attacks

Jack was quite pleased to find that he wasn't experiencing morning sickness this time around, but he was still horribly lightheaded and moody. After he snapped at Will one day over how to tie a knot and almost passing out in the process, Will realized what was going on, and it disturbed him. Jack having one child was more than enough for Will...and Jack once had the nerve to call **Will** a eunuch. Ironic.

The second trimester came along and Jack stopped fainting and snapping at people...in fact, he was exceedingly perky, greeting everyone warmly every morning and chattering excitedly with Elizabeth, who had found out that she herself was expecting and was almost as far along as Jack.

"Have you considered any names, Jack?" she asked. Jack tugged at his jacket, slowly pulling it off because he felt overheated. Such was the curse of weight gain...no way to beat the heat.

"Well...I've only considered one possibility: a girl to be named Jill..." he smiled as he said this. "I think it might be a girl, though...I don't feel the need to eat much meat this time..." he added. Elizabeth nodded understandingly. She was driving the crew insane with the constant stops at ports for meat.

"I see...but, if it **is** a boy, what will you be naming him?" she asked, leaning against the ramparts.

"Hmm...I'm not quite so good with names, but...Grant. After my father." Jack took off his hat and fanned himself. No way to beat the heat.

"That's a lovely name...I'm surprised you didn't give that name to Johnny."

"Ah, well...the first sound that Johnny made instead of crying -because, apparently, boys are too stubborn at birth to cry- he made a little chirping noise...like a chickadee..."

"Then why not Chickadee?" Elizabeth asked.

"Because Johnny Chickadee sounded better to me." Jack said. There was a long pause. "Are you hungry?" he suddenly asked. Elizabeth nodded, and so they went down to the galley.

"So it seems that I'll be having two children to care for..." Elizabeth laughed as she sliced up apples and mixed it with hardtack, and -of course- salted meat. Jack nodded and started slicing an apple himself, grabbing for a can of salt (from which the "East India Company" logo was nearly scratched away from years of use) to put on the apple. Salty and sweet was precisely what he was needing at the moment.

They sat there silently for a few minutes, eating, when suddenly Jack found himself feeling deeply depressed.

"What the hell am I doing?" he wondered aloud. Elizabeth looked up from her food to see Jack leaning back in his chair, his hands placed absentmindedly on his slightly enlarged stomach. He looked as if he was about to cry.

"What do you mean?" Elizabeth asked after swallowing an apple slice. Jack shook his head slowly.

"I've already had to give one child up to you...we're dropping you off at Port Royal as soon as we get the chance, where you and Will and Johnny shall be living...and...now I'm bringing another child into this world, and that child will most likely end up being under your care along with Johnny. I've made your life difficult...I'm so sorry..."

There was an awkward silence until Gibbs came into the room, startling Jack and making him wince with an intense perceived pain.

"Jesus Christ, Gibbs...you could've scared me into an early birth...keep the startling entrances reserved for a few more months, if you please!" He snapped. Gibbs held up his hands in a protective way.

"I didn't mean to frighten you, honestly! I care about your child almost as much as you do..." Gibbs said, trying to calm Jack down. Jack sighed and sank into a chair, muttering something about movement and back pain. Elizabeth smiled knowingly.

"If only there was a way to speed up the process..." Jack thought aloud. "9 months is a heck of a long time, isn't it?"

Jack was beginning to change his mind when he felt his child start to move. Now he wanted to stay like this forever. He had felt extremely excited when he was expecting Johnny, but he was always in a deep state of fear and anxiety during that time, as well as some frustration at his condition, and couldn't quite enjoy it. Now, there was no fear...at least not beyond reason.

Jack and Elizabeth were getting increasingly concerned for each other as their times grew near. It was all they ever spoke about.

"What do you think of us possibly having them on the same day?" Jack said during another midnight snack attack. Elizabeth chewed on her hardtack thoughtfully.

"Quite likely...how long do we have?" she asked. Jack thought for a moment as he stroked his belly.

"A month or so left, I presume. I can't wait, really." he said. He shivered. They had gone a little further north than usual. They were somewhere around Virginia, to be precise. "I don't want to go back to Tortuga...maybe I should stay on the ship...at least the child will grow into sealegs a bit more quickly."

"But if the child isn't staying on the ship..." Elizabeth began to argue. Jack raised his hand to her mouth, cutting her sentence off.

"The children are staying with me. And...uh, Elizabeth..." Jack said. Elizabeth looked up again.

"Yes?"

"I don't think Will's the father of your child.

Elizabeth was shocked.

"What do you mean?" she asked, blinking confusedly. "If you mean to say that our one night together resulted in anything then you're wrong. The timing is off."

"Don't let anyone tell you that there's a time of the month where you **can't** conceive...I mean, look at me! 1 month after the first one, a second one's on the way! And I only passed out a week after our night together. I think we both got knocked up that night..." Jack said. Elizabeth laughed.

"If you mean to imply that I'm the father of your child, then..." she began.

"No. I'm the father of my child. It's complicated...but I..." Jack stopped and his mouth twitched.

"What is it?" Elizabeth asked, concerned.

"Wha? Oh...nothing, nothing...just a little spasm. Don't worry about it." Jack said, waving the problem away. Inwardly, however, he knew very well what it was. His time had come, and he was now horribly nervous.


	9. Stand and Deliver

Jack sat at his table, rubbing his stomach with anxiety. It was 4 in the morning now...far too early to wake the crew and worry them about a birth that wouldn't be happening for about another day. He felt another tiny spasm and sighed. Maybe he should tell Elizabeth. No...he shouldn't worry her. She was rather far along herself, and it would be best to minimize stress for the girl. Jack resorted to scribbling aimlessly on a scrap of parchment and waiting for more spasms. He smudged his ink when a slightly more intense one occurred, but otherwise was fine.

Then he realized how sleepy he was. He glanced over at his bed and slowly got up, trying to fix his balance and relieve the pain in his back, then happily stretched out on the bed. He closed his eyes, muttering to himself to "rest up...you've got a big couple of days ahead of you...", and fell asleep.

Gibbs woke him up at about lunchtime, after having looked in to check on him and noticing that he looked uncomfortable. Jack put his hand over his stomach and groaned as another pain made itself known.

"Aye...well...back pain, Gibbs...carryin' a child is right hard work..." Jack said, smiling weakly at the believability of the lie. A particularly painful contraction came suddenly and Jack laid back out, groaning.

"There's something you're not telling me..." Gibbs said quietly as he got up "...but there's no need to tell me, is there?" He added.

"Don't tell Miranda just yet...I need to be left alone for just a little while..." Jack protested, trying to get up. The effort was foiled by yet another contraction, which kept him down for nearly 10 seconds. "...on second thought...get her...please..." Jack then whimpered. Things were moving fairly quickly compared to last time. This scared him a little bit. Jack shuddered and muttered to himself with every wave of pain.

"Alrighty, Jack...remember the first time...you've done this before...you can do it again...AAAHH!...No...no you can't...ohh...no, don't think that way...you handled it before...Miranda said you handled it beautifully, even...Aaaaagh! Oh, god...on that note...where the hell is she?

At last, Miranda came to his aid, and with the current condition that Jack was in, she looked positively angelic. She gently rested her hand on his stomach, and with perfect timing, too. Another painful spasm made Jack shiver.

"Miranda, please...kill me...this is moving too fast..." Jack sobbed.

"Be grateful it's not going slowly...You'd be exhausted for hours more..." Miranda added, checking Jack's permanently open wound and humming quietly to herself.

"How much longer?" Jack asked, worried. Miranda sat down at the foot of the bed and slowly shook her head.

"I don't know...but it seems that maybe it will be soon. I wouldn't get too excited..." she said. Jack gasped in pain and doubled over (sort of). Miranda forced Jack into his original position.

"It's easier if you lie like this, Jack..." she said. Jack sobbed.

"It's easier if I didn't have to do this..." he retorted. Miranda slowly got up and reached for a knife on the bedside table.

"If you feel that way..." she said. It was a threat. Jack panicked.

"No! Don't hurt the child!" He shouted desperately, reaching for Miranda's hand. She stopped and sat down again, and checked Jack's wound.

"Seems you're ready..." she muttered. Jack sighed with exhaustion and relief, then slowly raised himself into a standing position. Miranda smiled to herself.

"Ahhh...so you've been reading up on this, haven't you?" she asked. Jack winced and clutched his hand to his stomach as he grabbed the arm of a nearby chair.

"Aye...so I have..." he replied. Miranda was about to get up when Jack held out his free hand and said "I know what to do..." just before another contraction came. As this happened Jack supressed a shout and started to cry, but he did his duty and did so fairly quietly. Miranda was now sitting on the floor with a blanket in her hands...any second now...

Jack gave one more push just before passing out and collapsing to the floor, but luckily it was all that was needed. Miranda held a stubborn little girl in her hands, wrapped up in the blanket she had been holding. Miranda wrapped the newborn up and then slowly lifted Jack off the floor. A small trail of blood was on the floor, and it seemed to have gotten on both Jack's bare feet and her own...but she ignored it. Jill slept soundly beside her father, and then there was a knock on the door.

"Come in..." Miranda said, not looking up from cleaning off Jack's stomach. Will gingerly stepped into the room with Johnny in his arms. Then Miranda looked up. "One big happy family, I see..." she muttered as Will laid Johnny beside his father.

"Elizabeth and I think that it's unfair to separate Jack from his children...we won't be taking Johnny." Will mumbled. Miranda nodded slowly.

"I see...and how is Elizabeth?" she asked.

"In pain." Will answered solemnly. "I came to get you to help her, but I saw that you were tending to Jack and..."

"Well at least Elizabeth is built for this..." Miranda said as she got up. "Let's go...where is she?"


	10. Angst!

Jack was awakened by the feel of hot breath in his face. When he woke up, he felt his heart leap at the sight of his daughter.

"Oh, Jill...you look just like your grandmother..." he said lovingly, kissing the top of her head. Little Jill squeaked in her sleep and curled her tiny little fist around Jack's finger, causing him to sigh deeply.

"And Johnny...you're gonna grow to be a helluva pirate...I can already see it..." he added to his firstborn. Johnny kept snoring a squeaky little toddler snore.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, and Jack, rushed, threw a blanket over his thighs.

"Jack!"

That was Will...and he didn't sound happy.


End file.
